I feel like I might be the last real human being. I am so tired of what everyone thinks about everyone else, the shit-talking going on in my little circles. How can you see a person and not see anything good about them? Everyone is entitled an opinion, but when that opinion grows and it’s all you see of a person beyond the real soul, inside, I have a problem with that. Particularly, the shallow assessment of some of the women in my life. Who the fuck is a man to look at a woman and say she is ugly or fat or this or that and not see the amazing strength, resilience, grace, and goodness inside of her, first and foremost? What man doesn’t have a mother or a sister or an aunt or teacher or loved one that has taught him to look deeper than that?
Believe me, I can be shallow. I am obsessed with beauty in the world, in women in particular. A lot of that is reconciling the inner and outer beauty so a woman can feel as beautiful as she is. It has been healing for me… I have suffered with self-esteem and conflicting messages about myself for so long. And as I get older, I see the things in me that everyone else should. Many don’t, and I feel sorry for them. I have so much to offer. Like anybody. We all have so much. And sadly, we just need help with packaging, I just want perfection and for everyone to be a perfect version of themselves. Best face forward, you know. That’s all it is. Be you, but be the best you. And if you just need some argan oil and eyeliner to achieve it, I can help.
The cliche of pretty women being ugly inside is so often true that I am enraged at the men in my life expecting some pretty young thing to fall into their lap full of sunshine and sprinkles and love. Meanwhile, some beautiful woman is already there, radiating without even noticing it, and they are just completely blind to it. Because she’s not his version of perfect, she never is. And it brings to my attention that the men I have always idolized and admired for all their good traits are so ugly inside. So stupid. So deserving of whatever they end up with.
I am becoming so jaded, and it hurts, I don’t know how to shut it off.
Us women… we are fragile things, sometimes. But we are so remarkably strong. Capable of so many amazing feats. We should love each other. So I am handing in my resignation of my lifelong fight with women; I just knew the wrong women. However, men are all the same. I am seeing it more and more as they talk around me, forgetting I’m a woman, forgetting I’m there. These are the ones who go out and hurt my sisters and leave them like lambs up for slaughter. And we all just take it, don’t we? We give our hearts blindly and there is no bottom of the well of tears. Women made the oceans, because they’re salty and deep and full of mystery. Millions upon millions of tears shed over stupid men over centuries.
And let this be my announcement. Bros before hos no longer. The next shit I hear about a woman will be given directly to her; I am no longer one of the dudes, I’m no longer “cool” and I don’t care.
I have spent too many years selling out my girls, just thankful that it wasn’t me. What a pitiful way to be… let guys figure it out on their own. And if they can’t figure it out, they deserve it.
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November 15, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Nicole
A-fucking-men. I still remember one of the things Grant said to me shortly before we broke up: “I am embarrassed to be seen in public with you.” It hurt then, it hurts now (years later) and it still fucks with my self-esteem. Never mind that *I* looked past the fact that he was overweight, didn’t brush his teeth or perform basic hygiene, but still loved him…
I gained weight and he was embarrassed. End of story.
/sigh Maybe we should become hermit, or start a little commune or something. Also, I think that you should submit this post to Bitch magazine. More women need to read it and this is up their alley.
November 15, 2009 at 11:53 pm
lorock
Isn’t that always the case? I can tell you every ex of mine and every flaw of theirs that I refused to see til we parted ways. One of them had terrible dandruff, was always broke, always looked greasy and had the nerve to tell me I wasn’t his type. I cried for weeks til I realized how fucking awesome and out of his league I was. He works at a video rental place now, still greasy and gross as ever. Fabulous isn’t his type, he was right.
My ex-husband was thankfully not shallow. He was a lot of things, sure, but he saw the real me and I appreciate it.
And now I know I am the whole package, everything but thin and young and nubile I guess, but it’s a great trade-off. So I’m amazed when my friends and brothers judge women for some stupid reason or another… what would they say about me behind my back? Do they not see that I’m a great mom, excellent cook, caring fiance? Or am I just fat to them? That would be such a disservice to them to think that way, imagine how lonely their lives will turn out.
Nicole you should never ever apologize for who you are. You are so deep and smart and funny. Your heart is big and beautiful, if he didn’t see that, then it’s a blessing to you that you are rid of him. A real man knows having a woman of substance on his arm is the greatest honor on earth.
Realizing that beauty only takes you so far is such a smack in the face… there’s always someone younger, hotter and more desperate to take your place… what a vicious cycle. That’s why we need to watch out for each other and stop competing, as a gender. No man is worth a woman’s dignity.